Grief. Life. Loss.

Grief is a strange presence. This whole month I have been angrily grieving my past, accepting my traumas and celebrating my accomplishments, all while looking hopefully into my future. I can't help but feel caught in the moment while enjoying the present, with a strange sense of nostalgia and melancholy. For the first time in my life, I finally understand who I am, what makes me happy and what I need to make myself happy.  If anything the tests of this past month have helped me prove to myself that I am as strong as people tell me and for that I love myself and respect the woman I have become. This week alone has been challenging and the intensity has been eye opening to say the least. 

This month marks the two-year anniversary of the most monumental, life-changing breakup I have ever endured. I can remember every milestone, every day, every step of the way, and every goal leading up to this very point. The moments leading up to and shaping who I am today. At the time of this breakup, the one that landed me on a one month stay in the psychiatric care ward of the hospital, I felt I would never get through it, I would never grow or move on. Here I am, I grew, I moved on. 

When you go through something so traumatic, you hear a lot of "Why would you dwell on it?" "Why do you think so much about it?" It isn't as easy as it seems not to think about it when an anniversary rolls around. I consider this time of year a huge turning point in my life- FOR THE BETTER. My life got so significantly better that I have been taking time to celebrate myself. I have been also taking time to reflect and grieve what happened. It got worse before it got better, but when it got better, it got SO much better. 

This past weekend I took myself on dates and just spent time with me. Enjoying my own company, celebrating myself. I needed it. I really enjoyed the time I spent in celebration and reflection. I do not want anyone to think I am thinking negatively or regretting when I am thinking about these things, I am simply thankful for the lesson and growth. I am thankful I survived an abusive relationship. I am thankful for how much I've grown and all of the changes in my life. I am simply thankful.

Another thing coming up is my mom's anniversary of death. It is always hard and it never gets easy. Especially, since in the same week our family looks back on my cousin's anniversary of death. November is a hard month. Our family is fortunate enough to celebrate the life of and the time spent. As hard as the anniversaries are, we make the most of them by making new memories with one another and remembering all the good ones we had with the loved one we lost. 

One of my best friends in the world, someone whom I love so very much lost someone very close to him this week. He is heart broken. I know his heart will hurt for a while and for this my heart hurts. I know the pain he is feeling, the helplessness, the overwhelming sensation of grief. My heart breaks for him and his family.The person he lost was such an amazing and strong spirit. They were one of the kindest people I will ever have had the privilege of knowing and I will miss her dearly. My heart breaks for my friend and the absolutely devastating loss he and his family are mourning right now. A want nothing more than to take the pain away and I know I can't. All I can do is let him know how much I love him and that I am here. 

Grief is sneaky and it sneaks up on all of us in different ways, at different times. We all deal with it differently and no one reacts the same. I have to remind myself of this, especially at times like these. Regardless of the grief and the loss, I am happy. I am thankful and the ones around me bring me so much joy. If I haven't said it lately or told the ones I loves enough- thank you, you mean the world to me.