I am writing in hopes that the stress and pain of the past few weeks will ease. I really wish I could be light-hearted and funny, but I can't. I guess things are finally catching up to me and affecting me. Maybe it is the time of year paired with the stress of the events that have taken place these past two weeks. Maybe I just need to slow down and get my head together. Maybe it's both. I don't know
Yesterday I had a mini breakdown. Sometimes it happens and I eventually pinpoint the cause and take care of it. It is part of living with PTSD. When extreme stress builds and I don't deal with it properly, I end up having a monumental panic attack and being out of commission for a few days, because I know to give myself mental health days. Let me give you a rundown of the events that put me in this position.
A couple weeks ago I lost my work on Monday/Tuesday and my work for the rest of the week is, hit or miss right now and has been, because the wonderful woman I work for is in between jobs and trying to find the right one, she's awesome, she will. I knew this and I was taking the decline in work as a silver lining to beef up on my programming skills. Losing my Monday/Tuesday work was extremely unexpected and very stressful. It came without warning and abruptly. If I had been given two weeks, I would be a bit less stressed because I could pay my rent. Well, without the two weeks, I can't pay my rent.
I have no job and no money, that stress alone would send most people overboard. I have been trying my hardest to focus (If I can get in three hours of programming studying I feel satisfied), that doesn't always happen and it is a challenge to focus when your mind is riddled with stress. So yes, I am going to do some footwork and find some part-time work for now, while I beef up on my programming skills and look for that job. That only solves one issue and a fraction of my anxiety.
I have been dating. It has been really great. I have been dating a few really great guys that I have a lot of fun with. Well, recently I started to really enjoy the company of one guy. This is rare when I have a flock of great men. Anyway, at first he told me he really liked me and was looking for a relationship and wanted to ease into things, so that's what we were/are doing. We would text every day and he would send me pictures of himself, it was really nice. We slept together and it slowly started to decline. I know I forced the decline with asking him if we were seeing each other and if I should stop seeing the guys I am seeing. Yeah, stupid, rookie mistake. I don't date well. I also know what I want when I want it and how I feel. He canceled all plans and said it was due to work (my ass) and now we aren't talking. That gave me a mini heart attack and set off a big giant panic attack. I have given up on the idea of finding one single person and getting married and living the dream. I know marriage and kids is not a dream, but for me it was. It got crushed and I became jaded. The fact that someone liked me and there was hope, even a tiny ray of it, that someone actually wanted to possibly commit to me, it made me happy in the craziest way possible. That happiness filled me with anxiety, nausea and craziness. I am feeling even more convinced that it's not for me.
I have the feeling of impending doom that my life is speeding by and I haven't done anything significant or become anyone great. That I am just this fly sitting on the wall waiting for someone to come along and smack me with a newspaper. It is a hard feeling not to feel at 31. I get paralyzed by the fear and the anxiety that is in my own mind. That I don't have this wonderful job and can barely support myself. That I am not married with children and I can't even find a mate. I feel like a constant failure because I constantly try and fail. I had this breakdown, because as confident as I am, I still get beaten down and feel low. I still have those voices in my head telling me that I am not good enough and never will be. That is what mental health days are for.
When stuff like this happens, when the tiny stuff builds up, I can't help but hear my ex in my ear taunting me with some of his last words. Some of his awful last words are forever engrained in my mind and forever pulse through my mind whenever I go through tough times. For a moment, he wins with those words, then I step back, push through and win.
I know the stressers I named should be enough of a reason for anyone to need a few days off, but my mothers anniversary it coming up in November, that always hits me pretty hard. I never really know when I will feel the emotions that come along with it, but they hit. I am feeling them now. I miss my mom. I really miss her when I am hitting hard times. I know I have my dad and we are very close, but I miss my mom. Life is just hard right now and I am currently making some changes. They will be a bit difficult and slow coming due to my state of mind, but they are coming and I am working on them, but first I need to gather my thoughts and work on me. I need to get back to myself.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Thursday, October 8, 2015
F*ck Contamination. I miss food.
*Sigh*
After months of struggling and being sick, I got better. I felt great. Life got easier and my energy level went up. This past weekend, I got an Instacart delivery and it included a probiotic, from a brand that is usually super safe and Gluten Free. The only thing I did differently was go for a plant based probiotic, rather than a yogurt. My mistake. Well, on Sunday morning I took a sip, just A sip and as I did so I read the label, it was not Gluten Free. I thought to myself "FUCK MY LIFE." Now I am paying the price. My stomach is swollen and sore, my brain is foggy, I have had constant gas, my energy level is that of an 85-year-old man with heart issues, and the pain made me pass out.
Sunday night was the absolute worst so far. I felt the repercussions of my careless actions. I ended up throwing up for about thirty minutes straight and then it turned into a "What will come first" coordinated dance between sitting on the toilet and kneeling at the toilet. Eventually, I was just throwing up. Eventually, that throwing up was just dry heaving and the pain caused me to pass out a couple of times. I woke up feeling a bit better and magically was able to crawl up into my loft and go to sleep.
A little side track here because I know what some of you are thinking. I know some of you are thinking "Why didn't you go to the hospital?!? Oh, my god! Go to the hospital if you're passing out!" Yeah, my pain doesn't work that way. See, since my diagnosis my pain threshold has gone up significantly. I have been that patient in the ER for pain not asking for drugs or being dramatic, I have been the one lying there, calmly, with the occasional tear running down their face, that ends up passing out and still in pain after a run-of-the-mill dosage of Vicodin. Now, I have a better grasp about what to expect and pain management. I never ask for narcotics or opiates, because they don't work for me, they make me loopy but in pain. I ask for IV ibuprofen- I won't give a drug name because most people will just be wondering what the hell it is. Anyway, to answer your question- I don't go because there isn't anything they can do to help my pain and I will pass out no matter what. I have seen a doctor for this and they told me, in short, I don't notice pain and I pass out because of all the endorphins my body is producing to fight that pain.
Anyway, Monday I was stuck on the toilet for about four hours in the morning. I felt slow and tired and it has carried on to today. There has been a whole lot less poop, though.
I am on a liquid diet because my body can't digest food properly right now. Right now I have about two days worth of solid food just sitting in my small intestine. It was pressing on my diaphragm after dinner last night and making it had to breath. That was a sign to do the liquid diet for three to five days. My stomach is swollen, sore, and hurts to the touch. I am extremely uncomfortable. I am exhausted. I hurt. Most importantly, I am grumpy and I want solid food. I miss solid food. This is not a good way to be starting my liquid diet. I know it will help me feel better and I will hopefully be back to my healthy self by the end of next week.
Me, missing food.
After months of struggling and being sick, I got better. I felt great. Life got easier and my energy level went up. This past weekend, I got an Instacart delivery and it included a probiotic, from a brand that is usually super safe and Gluten Free. The only thing I did differently was go for a plant based probiotic, rather than a yogurt. My mistake. Well, on Sunday morning I took a sip, just A sip and as I did so I read the label, it was not Gluten Free. I thought to myself "FUCK MY LIFE." Now I am paying the price. My stomach is swollen and sore, my brain is foggy, I have had constant gas, my energy level is that of an 85-year-old man with heart issues, and the pain made me pass out.
Sunday night was the absolute worst so far. I felt the repercussions of my careless actions. I ended up throwing up for about thirty minutes straight and then it turned into a "What will come first" coordinated dance between sitting on the toilet and kneeling at the toilet. Eventually, I was just throwing up. Eventually, that throwing up was just dry heaving and the pain caused me to pass out a couple of times. I woke up feeling a bit better and magically was able to crawl up into my loft and go to sleep.
A little side track here because I know what some of you are thinking. I know some of you are thinking "Why didn't you go to the hospital?!? Oh, my god! Go to the hospital if you're passing out!" Yeah, my pain doesn't work that way. See, since my diagnosis my pain threshold has gone up significantly. I have been that patient in the ER for pain not asking for drugs or being dramatic, I have been the one lying there, calmly, with the occasional tear running down their face, that ends up passing out and still in pain after a run-of-the-mill dosage of Vicodin. Now, I have a better grasp about what to expect and pain management. I never ask for narcotics or opiates, because they don't work for me, they make me loopy but in pain. I ask for IV ibuprofen- I won't give a drug name because most people will just be wondering what the hell it is. Anyway, to answer your question- I don't go because there isn't anything they can do to help my pain and I will pass out no matter what. I have seen a doctor for this and they told me, in short, I don't notice pain and I pass out because of all the endorphins my body is producing to fight that pain.
Anyway, Monday I was stuck on the toilet for about four hours in the morning. I felt slow and tired and it has carried on to today. There has been a whole lot less poop, though.
I am on a liquid diet because my body can't digest food properly right now. Right now I have about two days worth of solid food just sitting in my small intestine. It was pressing on my diaphragm after dinner last night and making it had to breath. That was a sign to do the liquid diet for three to five days. My stomach is swollen, sore, and hurts to the touch. I am extremely uncomfortable. I am exhausted. I hurt. Most importantly, I am grumpy and I want solid food. I miss solid food. This is not a good way to be starting my liquid diet. I know it will help me feel better and I will hopefully be back to my healthy self by the end of next week.
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