Grief. Life. Loss.

Grief is a strange presence. This whole month I have been angrily grieving my past, accepting my traumas and celebrating my accomplishments, all while looking hopefully into my future. I can't help but feel caught in the moment while enjoying the present, with a strange sense of nostalgia and melancholy. For the first time in my life, I finally understand who I am, what makes me happy and what I need to make myself happy.  If anything the tests of this past month have helped me prove to myself that I am as strong as people tell me and for that I love myself and respect the woman I have become. This week alone has been challenging and the intensity has been eye opening to say the least. 

This month marks the two-year anniversary of the most monumental, life-changing breakup I have ever endured. I can remember every milestone, every day, every step of the way, and every goal leading up to this very point. The moments leading up to and shaping who I am today. At the time of this breakup, the one that landed me on a one month stay in the psychiatric care ward of the hospital, I felt I would never get through it, I would never grow or move on. Here I am, I grew, I moved on. 

When you go through something so traumatic, you hear a lot of "Why would you dwell on it?" "Why do you think so much about it?" It isn't as easy as it seems not to think about it when an anniversary rolls around. I consider this time of year a huge turning point in my life- FOR THE BETTER. My life got so significantly better that I have been taking time to celebrate myself. I have been also taking time to reflect and grieve what happened. It got worse before it got better, but when it got better, it got SO much better. 

This past weekend I took myself on dates and just spent time with me. Enjoying my own company, celebrating myself. I needed it. I really enjoyed the time I spent in celebration and reflection. I do not want anyone to think I am thinking negatively or regretting when I am thinking about these things, I am simply thankful for the lesson and growth. I am thankful I survived an abusive relationship. I am thankful for how much I've grown and all of the changes in my life. I am simply thankful.

Another thing coming up is my mom's anniversary of death. It is always hard and it never gets easy. Especially, since in the same week our family looks back on my cousin's anniversary of death. November is a hard month. Our family is fortunate enough to celebrate the life of and the time spent. As hard as the anniversaries are, we make the most of them by making new memories with one another and remembering all the good ones we had with the loved one we lost. 

One of my best friends in the world, someone whom I love so very much lost someone very close to him this week. He is heart broken. I know his heart will hurt for a while and for this my heart hurts. I know the pain he is feeling, the helplessness, the overwhelming sensation of grief. My heart breaks for him and his family.The person he lost was such an amazing and strong spirit. They were one of the kindest people I will ever have had the privilege of knowing and I will miss her dearly. My heart breaks for my friend and the absolutely devastating loss he and his family are mourning right now. A want nothing more than to take the pain away and I know I can't. All I can do is let him know how much I love him and that I am here. 

Grief is sneaky and it sneaks up on all of us in different ways, at different times. We all deal with it differently and no one reacts the same. I have to remind myself of this, especially at times like these. Regardless of the grief and the loss, I am happy. I am thankful and the ones around me bring me so much joy. If I haven't said it lately or told the ones I loves enough- thank you, you mean the world to me.

My clothes shouldn't matter.

  Today, I am going to go on a full force feminist rant, after a small update on my health and current events.

  I have been feeling much healthier lately, for that I am so thankful. This Wednesday, I joined my dad for the day to go to the sportsman club he just joined. I will never hunt, simply because I do not like the taste of gamey food and will not eat it, so I will not hunt. My father will. I spend quite a bit of time with my dad and he knows I enjoy shooting (don't worry, I am clear from my 51/50). I really enjoyed my day with him and spending time learning how to use a shotgun, while picking up a new hobby. My dating like is hilariously lame, as usual. Nothing new to report.

  Today, I was feeling the effects of shooting 50 rounds with a 20 gauge shotgun, with a gun that was a wee bit too large. This made me aware of something I already knew-I need to get back into shape. I am currently just skinny-fat. Not hot. Feeling better and stronger, I went out for a light jog in the 80-degree heat. I wore running shorts and running tank top. Now I should not have to worry about what I am wearing or fear for my safe because men do not know how to behave themselves.

  I left the house feeling fine in what I had left in, not having a care in the world or  fearing for my safety, let alone feeling like I would. All I was thinking about was how grateful I was to be exercising and my route for the day. I live in a safe neighborhood with a crime rate that has lowered significantly, that is filled with families. I only went deeper into safety by going into an even safer neighborhood. I was in such a good mood and so confident, until the end. I even said a couple pleasant "hello's" to other women and families jogging on the urban trail I was on (this is so uncommon for me).

  On my way home, about five blocks from my house, I was about to cross the street to enter my neighborhood, when I got harassed to the point of feeling threatened. This is unacceptable. It takes a lot for me to feel like I can not protect myself, especially in the middle of the day surrounded by people. First let me say, it is normal and not something I really pay any attention to if I see someone looking or creeping at me, I simply ignore it, until it gets out of hand. Well, as I was waiting for the walk signal, a car with two men waiting to turn left were yelling out the window at me. I tried to ignore them, but the light was very long and so was the walk signal. I ignored, but they got louder and more aggressive, I simply put my hand up in a "stop" motion while shaking my head no. They got even louder and way more aggressive and persistent, I got angry and flipped them off. I walked off in the other direction pretending I was going come place until I saw them turn down a street. From there I went into a cafe and collected myself, good thing I did because they circled around to find me. I stayed in the cafe and they drove down the street and gave up. I was questioning whether I should call a Lyft, have a friend meet me there or just continue walking home. I continued my way home.

  On my way home, I had two more men yell at me out their windows. One more tried to follow me, so I stopped in front of a neighbors house and shooed him while yelling at him to "Seriously leave me the fuck alone. Can't I just exercise without being harassed!" He waved apologetically and drove off (surprisingly).

  I am going to post a picture of what I was wearing, that I took as soon as I walked in the door. The thing is that it shouldn't matter. I should be able to go anywhere and wear anything without feeling like my safety is at stake. I should be able to wear my form fitting exercise clothes, and the more revealing ones when it is hot out to take care of my health. I am a fairly conservative in the way I present myself, and what I had on I do not consider over the top or too revealing in any way, by any means. I see people wearing things that are far more revealing to work. The fact is, it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter. No one should feel unsafe or at risk due to their clothing choices. I am appalled by what happened and I am appalled that this happens to regularly and people think that it is acceptable behavior. That being said, I want to thank all the wonderful men I know who are feminist and support the needed changes in behavior in the world. I want to thank the parents who raise young men to respect women. You are making this world a better place, thank you.

That's a lot of shit.

Today's blog post is brought to you from my bathroom!

  Time to talk about poop and my unpredictable, temperamental intestines. Having a gastroenterological based autoimmune disorder is anything but predictable. Some days I am fine and even  finish the day with extra "spoons" (if you don't know about The Spoon Theory, read up on it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/). Some days I don't have enough energy to get past noon without feeling like I want to curl up into the fetal position and sleep for an undetermined amount of time. Some days the pain is so bad in my joints that it hurts to walk. Some days I am so swollen, that I look like I'm in my second trimester.

  There are also days like today. Days I felt great enough to make plans to do something that I really wanted to do. Days I have plans with people I care about to make memories with. Today is one of those days. Today is a day I will be late due to being stuck on the toilet shitting for four hours, for no reason other than I ate solid food.

  I should explain here that I just went through 3-4 months of being autoimmune disease sick. Not just sick, sick- autoimmune sick. In that time, I probably had a few good days where I felt no pain, didn't have the constant urge to go or wasn't so constipated that the simplest touch hurt my abdomen or maybe I didn't feel like I was going to pass out if I stood up for more than 10 minutes. For the past couple weeks, I have been getting better, after getting worse.

  I knew I was malnourished and figured out that the culprit of all of my discomfort and being sick was a medication I was on. I eliminated the medication, with help from my doctor and I feel my body improving. At this point, I can't consume very much solid food so I drink lots of protein shakes and I eat light stuff.

  Since drinking the protein shakes every day I have been shitting quite regularly. It has also helped with the malnourishment. One other thing it does is it causes the worst smelling shits I have ever had in my entire life. I actually texted a friend about them.

  Today I was stuck in the bathroom on and off for four hours crapping. It got to the point where I was sitting there desperately begging my body to stop. I'm an atheist and I almost prayed. Finally, after four hours on the toilet it stopped. Needless to say, I feel like I did some sort of marathon or something. A shitting marathon. A shit-a-thon.

 I knew better than to leave my house before waiting for a good 30-60 minutes without incident. So, here I am waiting...mostly hoping to no longer shit. So, for my friends and family out there- if I say I am running late or I need to reschedule, chances are I am shitting and afraid to leave the house.

  Hey, at least I feel lighter.